This weekend has been awful. I don't really know why except that it has been and I have made it that way. I think I should probably put it down to hormones and the stress of being by myself all the time but it's just been a horrible weekend and I don't know what to do to put myself right. Last night and this evening I don't seem to have been able to get a grip on myself.
I guess in part the particular upset this weekend is down to my knitting - but that in itself is just part of being here. The only people I see here socially are through knitting and so I guess I spend more time knitting than I do at home and so when it all goes wrong it all feels somehow more important. Yesterday morning I made a mistake on the clapotis, which I had been enjoying knitting because it was so incredibly easy and mindless. Having tried to put a lifeline in and twisted a few stitches, I took the thing into Knit One in Squirrel Hill (not Natural Stitches this time because I feel like everytime I go in I need help), the lady there was sort of helpful and said to bring it back tomorrow when they had a knitting group in and there was sure to be someone who would 'take me under their wing'. I dutifully went back with the thing today and didn't seem to get any real help but was encouraged to rip the whole thing back and start over.
I did. I really wish I hadn't, it totally didn't need that. So now I have no clapotis and I'm too stressed and teary to start the damned thing over again and not have it go wrong (I've tried twice).
I wish this wasn't so important to me, but I think I have been using knitting to keep me distracted and so now I can't do that right I just seem to be completely lost. I gave up completely after the last failed restart and just bawled on my bed for a bit. Sometimes crying helps take the edge off things - I don't think today is one of those days.